So, first off, I need to address something that has been bothering me a bit. I created this blog to be able to write freely for myself, and to just explore myself. If people learned from what I had to say, then that would be amazing. However, I lost focus very quickly, and wanted to try my hardest to help people learn something. I wasn't true to myself. I was focusing on others too much.
That said, I've become hesitant to say negative things about myself. I'm not entirely sure if it was because I'd be embarrassed, or I just wanted to remain looking strong to give others hope. But I'm going to throw it out there, so maybe if others are feeling this way, they can relate (And hopefully start a conversation with me).
Here's where I struggle: I've very low self-esteem. It seems to conflict, because I have this hidden source of confidence that I can't identify. This allows me to go up to random strangers and not worry about what they think about me. I won't get too into this, but it prevents me from being myself.
So, the resolution? I need to start believing in myself. I'm not sure how directly. Until then, I'm going to start using other people. I'm going to quote an anime to get me started (Gurren Lagann). Kamina, this totally awesome character, won't let Simon, the main character, not do something because he is afraid. He has all the confidence in Simon, and Kamina lets his actions show this by not taking over when he could easily have handled the situation. One time, Simon began to panic and was about to let fear take over and give up. But Kamina said something to him, which caused him to act and persevere. He told Simon: "Don't believe in yourself. Believe in me who believes in you."
I'm going to be honest, every time I see this scene, I tear up. That confidence, that trust, his willingness to put his life on the line, showed me that Kamina was using the word "believe" to the full extent. If I can't seem to find that belief in myself at the moment, then I'm going to believe in others' belief in me. There has to be some reason why they are there for me, and that stemmed from who I am.
This leads to my final thought: I've been focusing so hard on "being better". I now see that it is too broad. That can mean too many things. There's almost an infinite amount of ways I could "be better", but lose who I am. Therefore, I'm going to start focusing on this: "being a better me."
I can't help but to wonder if this hidden source of confidence you mention comes from deep within your own self. Do you think that this could be a part of yourself that is shining through from time to time?
ReplyDeleteYou said that your confidence allows you to go up to random strangers without worrying about what they think of you. That makes it sound like confidence is something you need, like a prerequisite before you can engage in your activity. I don't believe confidence works that way - I don't believe you should be waiting for a certain emotion before you put yourself out there.
To me, confidence describes the state when you are content with the effort you are planning to put forth and are also willing to take responsibility for whatever outcome comes of it.
Keep at it and be proud of each and success you have along the way. Remember that the path has parts that are both rocky as well as smooth. If you keep at it, I guarantee you that one day you'll surprise yourself with the realization that you instinctualy knew how to handle something that had previously baffled you.
That's all I've got for now. Keep on keeping on :)
I believe in you. <3
ReplyDeleteKevin I was really suprised to see that you don't believe in yourself. I guess it comes to show the view of self and the way others view you. I see you as a strong, determined young man that can achieve anything he wants to set his mind to. I BELIEVE IN YOU... so it's ok to believe in yourself darling. I am so proud of all 5 of you and the strong responsible adults that you have become. I have to say you have struck my awe ever since the day that Dad pointed out to me that you had a list with goals and what you need to do to achieve them posted on the back of your door (when you still lived in Buffalo). You have a kind heart and are a smart young man that can achieve anything he sets his mind to. So come on... start to believe in yourself. I ALWAYS HAVE AND ALWAYS WILL!! I'm proud of you.
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